15 Questions to Strengthen Your Empathy Muscle

Empathy is a critical skill in both our personal and professional lives, allowing us to build deeper relationships, communicate more effectively, and see the world through the eyes of others. While some people are naturally more empathetic, experts agree that empathy is a skill that can be practiced and improved over time – just like building muscle through consistent exercise.

Research has shown that highly empathetic people tend to be more successful and fulfilled across domains:

• Empathetic leaders build trust and psychological safety on their teams, leading to higher employee engagement, retention and performance. A study by Catalyst found that 61% of people with highly empathic leaders reported being innovative at work, compared to only 13% of people with less empathic leaders.

• Empathetic marketers and salespeople are able to put themselves in their customers‘ shoes, crafting messaging, products and experiences that resonate on an emotional level. Brands that demonstrate empathy have an easier time attracting and retaining loyal customers. A 2020 survey by Ipsos found that 9 in 10 consumers were more likely to trust and stay loyal to brands that showed empathy and compassion during the pandemic.

• Empathetic healthcare providers have better patient outcomes and higher rates of patient satisfaction. One study published in PLOS One linked higher physician empathy to fewer medication errors, better patient follow-through on treatment plans, and fewer malpractice claims.

• Teachers with greater empathy are better able to engage students, manage the classroom environment and accommodate diverse learning styles. A study by the University of Helsinki found that students with empathetic teachers had better mental well-being and were more motivated in school.

So how can you start flexing your empathy muscles? Asking more thoughtful, emotionally-attuned questions – both of yourself and others – is a great place to start.

The Neuroscience of Empathy

Before diving into specific questions, let‘s look at the brain science behind empathy. Neuroscientists have identified special brain cells called mirror neurons that allow us to literally feel what another person is experiencing. When we see someone laugh, cry, triumph or struggle, these neurons fire in our own brains, helping us vicariously share that emotional state.

"Mirror neurons dissolve the barrier between you and someone else," explains Dr. Marco Iacoboni, a neuroscientist at UCLA. "In a sense, the other person becomes you."

The insula, an area deep in the brain, also plays a key role in empathy by helping us understand our own emotions as well as those of others. People with damage to the insula have trouble recognizing facial expressions and interpreting tone of voice.

The good news is that through ongoing practice, we can strengthen the neural pathways involved in empathetic thinking and behavior. Here are 15 questions to help you exercise your empathy, organized by different components of emotional intelligence.

Self-Awareness

Self-awareness, or the ability to recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior, is the foundation of empathy. After all, it‘s hard to appreciate someone else‘s perspective if you aren‘t attuned to your own! Ask yourself:

1. What emotions tend to influence my decision-making the most? How do I typically handle stressful situations?
2. What are some of my biggest strengths and weaknesses? How do they manifest in my relationships and work?
3. How would I describe my communication style? Am I more introverted or extroverted? More direct or diplomatic?

Self-Regulation

Self-regulation refers to your ability to manage disruptive or unhelpful emotions and adapt to changing circumstances. Being able to pause, process your reactions, and respond thoughtfully (rather than impulsively) is key for having empathetic conversations, especially when tensions are high. Ask yourself:

4. When someone pushes my buttons, what strategies help me stay calm and collected rather than lashing out?
5. How do I typically respond to change and uncertainty? What helps me be more flexible?
6. What role does self-care play in my overall well-being and ability to be present for others? How can I prioritize it?

Motivation

Self-motivated people are driven to grow, learn, and achieve their goals. They pursue this growth not just for personal gain, but to have a positive impact on the world around them. To check in with your motivations, ask yourself:

7. What are the intrinsic rewards of my work that go beyond external validation or compensation?
8. When I‘m feeling unmotivated or stuck, how do I re-inspire myself? What bigger-picture purpose can I connect to?
9. How am I making a difference in the lives of others through my personal and professional efforts? What legacy do I want to leave?

Empathy

Empathy, as mentioned, is the ability to sense and relate to other people‘s emotions. It‘s meeting someone where they are, even if their perspective or experience is very different from your own. To strengthen your empathetic muscles, ask yourself:

10. When someone shares something difficult with me, how can I validate their feelings without rushing to give advice or talk about myself?
11. What assumptions or biases might be preventing me from fully empathizing with this person‘s point of view? What context am I missing?
12. How can I convey genuine care and concern through both my words and nonverbal signals (eye contact, affirming gestures, etc.)?

Social Skills

Strong social skills – including active listening, verbal and nonverbal communication, cooperation, and conflict resolution – allow you to interact with others in an emotionally intelligent way. To improve your social skills, ask yourself:

13. How can I demonstrate that I am intently listening to someone and eager to understand their perspective?
14. When disagreements arise, how can I advocate for my needs while also being open to compromise?
15. How can I express more appreciation, give more sincere compliments, and celebrate other people‘s successes?

Tips for Asking Empathetic Questions

Now that you have an arsenal of empathy-building questions, here are some best practices to keep in mind as you engage in these conversations:

• Genuinely listen, resisting the urge to interject, give advice or share your own anecdotes. Make the other person feel heard.
• Ask open-ended questions starting with "what" or "how" that invite the person to elaborate and go deeper (e.g. What was that experience like for you? How did that make you feel?).
• Pay attention to tone of voice, body language, and other nonverbal cues that may communicate more than the person‘s actual words. Mirror their demeanor to help build rapport.
• Affirm the person‘s feelings with validating comments like "That must have been so frustrating" or "I can only imagine how ____ that was."
• Ask if you can provide any specific support or assistance, but don‘t assume you know what they need. Respect the person‘s autonomy.
• Be fully present and focused on the conversation, minimizing potential distractions. Put away your phone and give your undivided attention.
• Approach sensitive topics with care and let the other person set the pace. If they don‘t want to go into detail about something personal, don‘t push it.
• Express gratitude to the person for trusting you and being vulnerable. Sharing personal feelings and experiences is a gift.

The Business Case for Empathy

For companies and leaders, empathy is not just a nice-to-have – it‘s a must-have that directly impacts the bottom line. The 2021 State of Workplace Empathy Study by Businessolver found that:

• 84% of CEOs and 70% of employees believe empathy drives better business outcomes
• 76% of employees who experienced empathy from their leaders reported higher levels of engagement (compared to only 32% who experienced less empathy)
• 57% of employees would be willing to take a pay cut to work for an organization that offered a more empathetic work environment
• 90% of employees are more likely to stay with an organization that empathizes with their needs

Empathetic companies don‘t view their customers and employees as mere transactions, but as whole human beings with real thoughts, feelings, and lives outside of their role as buyer or worker. They take the time to understand people‘s multifaceted identities, needs and challenges.

Some notable examples of empathy in action:

• Slack, the workplace communication platform, has a dedicated empathy team that proactively reaches out to customers who report bugs or frustrations. By listening closely to users and constantly iterating based on their feedback, Slack has earned ardent brand loyalty.

• Microsoft‘s "Autism Hiring Program" recognizes the unique skillsets of candidates on the autism spectrum and adapts the interview process accordingly. It‘s not about lowering the bar, but expanding traditional notions of talent.

• Target supports its employees during major life events like a new baby, marriage or death of a family member by offering paid family leave, backup childcare, and other benefits. It understands work and life aren‘t separate spheres.

The most successful companies don‘t just talk about empathy as a vague value – they embed it into every process, policy, and interaction. As Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella has said: "Empathy makes you a better innovator. If I look at the most successful products we have created, it comes with that ability to meet the unmet, unarticulated needs of customers."

Empathy in an Era of Digital Transformation

In our increasingly digital world, empathy is more important than ever. Remote work, online education, and telemedicine are just a few of the realms where we must learn to convey care and understand each other‘s contexts without the benefit of physical presence.

Some worry that our growing dependency on technology is eroding empathy, as we have fewer in-person interactions and more communication happens via brief messages or curated social media personas. MIT sociologist Sherry Turkle argues that digital natives accustomed to short, shallow exchanges may struggle to have deeper, more empathetic conversations.

"Technology gives us the opportunity to edit ourselves, to choose what we want to show and say," Turkle explains. "But the development of empathy requires vulnerability. It requires us to be seen in all our flaws and without the ability to edit."

The solution isn‘t to become Luddites, but rather to consciously cultivate empathy and emotional intelligence as an antidote to the depersonalization of the digital world. By using technology to ask meaningful questions, open up authentic dialogues, and put ourselves in someone else‘s pixelated shoes, we can leverage these powerful tools for human connection.

Building a More Empathetic World

Ultimately, strengthening our collective empathy muscles is about more than just individual self-improvement or company success. It‘s about creating a society where we approach each other with compassion, seek to understand diverse perspectives, and work together to solve challenges. In an era of deep polarization and tribalism, empathy is a radical and transformative act.

Asking empathetic questions – and truly listening to the answers – fosters greater trust, collaboration, and shared progress. Here are some signs that our world is heading in a more empathetic direction:

• A 2022 survey by Ipsos found that Americans‘ ability to imagine living in another person‘s shoes increased throughout the COVID-19 pandemic. Shared hardship built more of a sense of human connection.
• The United Nations has declared an International Day of Empathy on June 1st each year to promote empathy across borders and cultures.
• Many school districts are implementing social-emotional learning (SEL) curricula to teach children empathy skills like active listening, recognizing emotions, and considering others‘ perspectives.
• The global market for emotional intelligence products and services is projected to reach $64 billion by 2030, an 11% annual growth rate.

Of course, building a more empathetic world isn‘t just the responsibility of institutions – it starts with each of us having the courage to ask uncomfortable questions, the patience to listen to the answers, and the trust to share our authentic, vulnerable selves.

So flex your empathy muscles daily. Be curious. Look for common ground. Challenge your biases. Assume positive intent. Imagine walking in another‘s shoes. Because in a world that often feels scary and divided, empathy is a thread that can bind us together in our shared humanity.